Image: mashable composite; wikimedia commons, shutterstock
If you’ve heard his songs, which, given your possession of a Wi-Fi enabled device, you almost certainly have, chances are you have a strong opinion about singer/songwriter Ed Sheeran.
Sheeran’s catchy, acoustic ballads are contentious, to say the least. Something about the singer has seemingly split the world down the middle between those who like Ed Sheeran and those who feel… differently. After the musician appeared on the Season 7 premiere of Game of Thrones, the debate began again, stronger than ever before.
In an attempt to capture and bottle the public debate, we asked two of our writers with opposing viewpoints to sit down and discuss Ed Sheeran. Unfortunately, the only two writers who volunteered were Tyler Schmall and Max Knoblauch: two lunatics who are both obsessed with Ed Sheeran. What follows is their unedited conversation:
TYLER SCHMALL: I personally think Ed Sheeran is the best musician of all time.
MAX KNOBLAUCH: In my opinion, he has transcended music and entered the realm of the greatest members of our species.
TYLER: I agree with you. I would also like to add, that this does indeed imply that I think Ed Sheeran is a better musician, in every possible sense of the word, than each member of The Beatles and also Mozart. Mozart is dirt under the feet of Ed Sheeran.
MAX: We have no disagreement. We are not at odds with one another. Ed Sheeran is the Lamb of God.
TYLER: Max, I agree. I believe that Ed Sheeran was touched by the Great Divine Being above. His musicianship is the greatest ever seen by humanity.
MAX: I agree. The light of Ed Sheeran has ruined all other art for me. I have been to Rome, I have been to the Sistine Chapel, I have listened to Wagner’s "Ride of the Valkyries" atop the Cologne Cathedral while staring out at the setting sun. And I feel numb through it all, having listened to "Thinking Out Loud."
TYLER: I agree. Ever since I listened to the chill acoustic folk-pop stylings of Mr. Sheeran for the first time, all other music has lost its luster. No longer can I listen to the incredible vocal prowess of Freddie Mercury or the marvelous, sentimental songwriting of Paul McCartney and feel any inspiration. I believe this to be a side effect of having heard the actual voice of God through His prophet, Ed Sheeran. I have combed through the Bible and there are many passages which I believe speak about Ed Sheeran directly.
MAX: I agree with you. Shall we discuss and analyze one of Mr. Sheeran’s finest songs?
TYLER: We must.
But it’s the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
I believe Ed Sheeran wrote this song specifically about me.
MAX: While I can’t say with certainty that Ed Sheeran wrote this about me, it certainly SEEMS that way from the outside. The line "It is the only thing that makes us feel alive" is something I think about a lot. Believe me, I have TRIED to think of something else that makes us feel alive. I have spoken to countless doctors, neurologists, psychotherapists, and they all say the same thing: "Ed Sheeran is correct."
TYLER: Max, while I respect your opinion, I have to disagree. I can say with 100 percent certainty that God’s own angel Ed Sheeran wrote this song about me. I know this from the line "Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes." These are unique sentiments that I hold near and dear. You see, I have experienced firsthand that loving can hurt sometimes. It would be too strange of a coincidence if Mr. Sheeran didn’t write this song about my specific experience. That being said, this song makes me cry so hard that I need hydration therapy.
We keep this love in a photograph
Hearts are never broken
You won’t ever be alone, wait for me to come home
MAX: Love! That fickle and untamable beast. Lust, evolved, turns to something more — but what? To describe the feeling with merely words is to do it a disservice; a cosmic lie helped along by history’s "greatest" writers. Until, that is, Ed Sheeran…. I also like that it’s catchy!
TYLER: O… basking in the insightful lyrics of Ed Sheeran is an unending ballet of grief and jubilation; each emotion dancing together as one. To listen is to experience, and to experience is to live. We’ve only a short time on this earth, why waste a single precious second without the heavenly voice of Ed Sheeran permeating through your ears and soul? I ask of you, why?
MAX: Did Ed Sheeran do "Despacito?"
TYLER: I am intimately familiar with the entire breadth of the Ed Sheeran discography. It is all I know. He did not do "Despacito." If somebody else did, that is information I would not know. All I know is Ed Sheeran.
MAX: I bet he could’ve done it, though. And that’s the whole thing about him! You never know what he’s going to put out next. Each song is a new color, seen by man for the first time.
Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it’s the only thing that I know, know
I swear it will get easier,
Remember that with every piece of you
Hm, and it’s the only thing we take with us when we die
Hm, we keep this love in this photograph
Hearts were never broken
TYLER: I have listened to this song so many times that it is actually embedded in my DNA. Scientists are baffled.
MAX: About a week ago I was listening to Ed Sheeran on the subway and singing along to the music as loud as I could and someone yelled, "Shut the hell up, Ed Sheeran sucks." In a blind rage, I tried to pry the doors open on the moving train and push the man out. It took 10 people to subdue me and I have a court date later this week. What I like most about Sheeran’s music is that it calms me down.
TYLER: I agree. There was one month in 2014 where my headphones broke, and I was unable to listen to Ed Sheeran. I don’t have any memory of that month. It is completely blacked out in my memory. I am scared. What did I do in that month? I don’t know.
MAX: Something similar happened to me. It scared me, too.
TYLER: Yes, I agree.
MAX: Yes, I agree.
ED. NOTE: Max and Tyler have both been fired and we have called the police.
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